Writerly Rants - Shelving Projects

Tonight, I took the manuscript I've been working on for the last year and shelved it.
>50K words; two drafts.
An idea I was so excited about nine months ago deflated.
Promises of a finish line and a delivery date to my agent cancelled.
I threw my hands up in defeat.

I had no choice, you see. I've been sitting here in front of my computer for weeks staring and agonizing because I didn't recognize this lumpy story I had in front of me. It was just a pile of words and scenes and characters. And there was this thread of story--there was a lot of WHATs going on, but no WHYs.

Why was this happening?
Why would this character react this way?
Why would it go down THIS way rather than THAT way?
And most importantly, what am I trying to say with this story?

I have this problem. I want people to read my work and weigh in, because who doesn't love to hear feedback? But this story didn't incubate long enough. I didn't let it rest and stand back and let myself re-examine it. I didn't give myself the time to throw my all into it. To work until the late hours of night, writing feverishly. Or replay scenes over and over in my head, perfecting each and every line of dialogue. Instead, I wrote it like a shot in the dark. Throwing spaghetti at the wall. Hoping something stuck. Then too many fingerprints got all over it.

Don't get me wrong: I'm totally grateful for the time and effort people take in reading and critiquing my work. But if it happens too soon in the process, it derails me. Instead of finding the road that leads to the story, I'm taking some back way that someone else took this one time. The journey to finding a story is different for every person and every story, and we have to go our own ways at our own speeds.

So I'm sitting here with something shelved. As in, not trashed, but waiting for the dust to clear. Because, at some point, I'll grasp for the right sound and shape and it will be there for me. The story that wants to be told. That feels right and not forced. That is true to my vision. And it won't involve Band-Aid plotting or Frankensteined scenes.

I'll work on something new, and let this project rest. Give it space and time. Until that moment when I have a thought, "I wonder if I did this..." And then the process starts anew and a new story is born.

Mid-Spring Check In

What I'm Writing

Right now, trying to figure out my story is like throwing spaghetti at the wall and watching it all slide down...

— Valerie Cole (@ValerieColeYA) April 6, 2016

Yeah, writing is hard. I won't lie, sometimes I'm convinced none of my writing sticks and I'm running out of noodles.

I have a pretty solid first draft of a new young adult manuscript. I've been trying to tackle more commercial plotlines. Things that could be considered thrillers or high-concept. My brain is so good at emotional story arcs, but when I have to figure out how a resolution works out or raise stakes, I fizzle out.

The good news is that I had a couple of really great critiques come in and set me back on track--hopefully in the right direction. I'm sitting here in front of a blank cork board with a stack of Post-its and I'm ready to replot my entire book.

What I'm Reading

What I'm Listening To

What I've Been Up To

Pretty much 99% of what I say now:
What are you eating?
Ah-ah-ah!
Oh my god!
On the pad! On the pad!
Noooo!
No bites!
Omg so cute#newpuppy

— Valerie Cole (@ValerieColeYA) April 6, 2016

Well, this little monster has been keeping me on my toes for the last week. Meet Lucy, our new puppy! We brought her home last Tuesday and my life has been full of: puppy wrangling, accident cleaning, ah-ah-ahing, and attempting to look away for oooooone second to work. It's impossible. That face makes it all worth it, though.

Lucy is home!

A photo posted by Valerie Cole ❤️ (@valeriecoleya) on Mar 29, 2016 at 8:57am PDT

January 2016 Check In

Hello, hello! 

This month is almost over and I'm finally sitting down for a check in. Personally, I'm thankful for this impending snowstorm of doom that is about to rain down on us. There's been so much to do this month and I'm ready for a weekend of eating soup and binge watching Grey's Anatomy.

What have I been up to, you ask?

1) Well, Project Blue--my newest manuscript. My seventh, to be exact. And, there's something I've learned from working on multiple projects: each one will feel different. Like, really different. There's some that have taken everything in me to write. Two manuscripts ago, I had to set up any type of reward system I could just to get one word down on the page at a time. It made me wonder if I even liked writing sometimes. But Project Blue isn't like that. It makes me giddy and excited. I love everything about it--even the hard parts. 

I've been doing a lot of writing and researching and re-writing, and am hoping to have a killer first draft soon. I'm so excited to share it and have my peeps read it (and of course poke holes in it so it resembles Swiss cheese). 

2) I also decided to scale back on giving myself so many expectations this year. One big one was how many books was I going to read. I read a lot, and I participated in GoodReads' Reading Challenge like it was my own Olympics. I can't manage to track how many calories I eat daily, but I can log every single page I've ever read in my GoodReads app. This year I decided to bail out. I'm going to read, but not be so focused on that number. And, also DNF books if I want or just read the parts I want. You know, read like an un-obsessed person might.

What am I reading now? The History of Love--a book that was recommended to me six years ago and has been at the top of my TBR list since!

3) Also, puppies. We lost our sweet Nelly girl last month, right before Christmas and I have to be honest, my heart is still broken. The other day I was out running errands and I found myself Google Mapping the nearest puppy shop and drove straight there. I got my fill of puppy kisses, but realized just how much work going from an extremely chill senior dog to an over-active brand new puppy is going to be. Not that I'm not up for the task, but Shannon and I still need some time to prepare and get ready. Meanwhile, I can't promise not to be that crazy lady who shows up in Pet Shops just to pick up puppies and talk about my heartbreak.

Until next month, friends. Bunker down from the snow and godspeed!

December Check In

Heyo! I hope everyone is having a fantastic holiday season. There's nothing more exciting than all the frenzy and finality December can bring. 

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving at home in Baltimore with my family. Not only did I spend lots of time with my favorite cousin, Sara and her new husband, but we threw her a baby shower (in which I promised her a blog mention). Our cousin Crystal made all the food, which included bacon-wrapped dates stuffed with goat cheese, meatballs cooked in grape jelly (is this a Maryland thing or does everyone make this?) and a pretty epic cake. 

My reading has slowed down considerably, only because things have been so busy. However, if you're looking for something new to pick up, consider:

ALL AMERICAN BOYS, by Jason Reynolds and Brendan Keily. A duel-narrative of two American teenagers--one white and one black--and how police brutality affects their lives.

THE BOSTON GIRL, by Anita Diamant. Follows the life of a young woman born in 1900 to Jewish immigrants in Boston and touches on pieces of history I hadn't read much about before: World War I, the flu of 1918, and the Minnesota orphan train.

THE SACRED LIES OF MINNOW BLY, by Stephanie Oakes. A story about a girl who escapes from her Kevinian cult at the price of both her hands.

Lastly, and most sadly, we lost our sweet pup this month. Nelly was my trusted cocker spaniel for the last fourteen years. I've owned her my entire adult life and she's spent many nights sleeping under my desk while I wrote stories and blog posts and query letters. To be honest, I'm not sure what to do with the hole she's left by my side. While I figure it out, I hope this year brings a bit of peace and some healing. And I hope it brings you joy and love.

I Promised You A Blog Post

I promised you a blog post

But all I can do is stare at a blank screen

Struggling to write

The one thing I'm good at

The one thing I've always been able to do

So I'll try to say it in a new way

Words aligned into neat little lines

Freestyle it from my heart

Even though my thoughts knot and snarl

With one click of a button

I sent a Pack-and-Play to your doorstep

And it will never feel like enough

To say that I'm happy for you

And sorry

For all the times I've been selfish and cruel

Or just confusing

And thankful for

And all the times you've picked up the phone

Pretended like nothing was wrong

My first friend

My first best friend

You are a new person now

Your belly round 

(but not that round)

A new girl inside

For our tribe of strong and fragile women

A new partner at your side

Who makes you laugh

In a way I've never heard you laugh before

The kind of laugh that means you're truly happy

I promise you a blog post

As I play the role of court jester

Clutching a paper plate and a plastic cup

Everyone laughs as we shower you with gift cards

Cringe at chocolate bars melted inside diapers

Cut cakes made of pink fondant

Ooo and aww in all the right places

Tiny clothes with cupcake covered behinds

None say Future Feminist

Like I know how you will raise a daughter to be

She will have 

The best of both worlds

Southern sweetness

Northern nerve

Just like you

In just 4 months 

You will be a mother

A role that seems so adult

When did we become adults?

I still think of us as two heads

In a sea of family

One blonde and one brunette

Always together

I write this late at night

When I know you'll be sleeping

Being the responsible one

While I stay up

The dreamer and star counter

Because I promised you a blog post

Even though you deserve so much more

October Check In 2015

Hello, hello!

I waited to write up my October check in post this month because things were so busy. I've been writing (of course), but trying to figure out the best way to make this "full-time writing thing" work best for me.

It's helped a lot to listen to Sarah Enni's First Drafts podcast and get a feel for what other writers do to make the daily demands of creativity work for them. For me, I'm finding, it's different almost every day. When I have a deadline (either self-imposed or agent-assigned), I can buckle down and work, but those other days when I'm free to just create? It's hard.

Over the summer, I wrote a 22-page outline for my next book. It covers everything plot-related, and some character arcs, which is great. But, I've been struggling with these two main characters of mine and trying to figure out who they really are--especially this one named Miles. Sure, you can give a character a name and a sassy attitude and just go with it, but underneath it all you need to know who they really are. Miles wasn't talking to me. I tried to give him a backstory, but it felt so generic. After all, how many I've-known-him-since-kindergarden stories are already out there? I wanted more from this character, and he refused to tell me.

Sometimes when I get stuck like this, when the character won't come to me, I go out into the world and find them. Yesterday, I was at the gym and Miles walked right by and jumped on the treadmill in front of me. In fifteen minutes I had him all figured out, and realized how much I love this exercise in character development. Because when you can see the person right in front of you, and can observe how they carry themselves, how they look around at the world, it's easier to figure out what their hang ups are and their place in the story. So, if you try this method, let me know how it works for you!

In things I've been reading, check out Aaron Hartzler's What We Saw! I was so impressed by his writing and the strong message this one carries about rape culture, especially in small town, high schools where everyone wants to look away.

Wolf by Wolf is also very exciting and so different--especially if you're into reimagined WWII stories (with motorcycles and wolves!). Fans of The Scorpio Races would like this one.

Faking Normal was my favorite contemporary this month. I have a huge writer crush on Courtney Stevens.

That's it for me this month. It's time to get back to writing. :)

September 2015 Check In

Hello, hello!

Wow--I can't believe this summer is completely over. It started in such a strange space for me. I left my job in advertising to concentrate on writing. I was really frazzled and scared and completely freaked out to take such a huge risk. Now I feel much more settled and am really proud to have a lot of new accomplishments under my belt. 

My writing is going well. I finished a manuscript that I'm really proud of and started a new one last month. I took an entire month to outline and brainstorm--something I don't typically do. Usually, I start a new WIP by diving in headfirst and not really worrying about things like PLOT or STRUCTURE. This time, though, I put in the time and have something really, really solid. If I can manage to write 1-2 chapters a day, I can finish a first draft in 3 weeks. I have no idea if that's actually going to happen, but it's a really great position to be in.

I've been chronicalling some fun stories this summer. You can find them here:
The Birthday When I Almost Died
How I Got Stranded In The VA Mountains

And there was also Pitch Wars! Stephanie Scott and I picked an awesome contemporary YA written by Jenn Kompos. I'm so excited to sink my editing teeth into this MS and help make it awesome for the agent round.

I've been reading everything and anything I could get my hands on. In May I started a Summer Reading Challenge and picked 11 books that had been collecting dust on my shelf for way too long. I ended up reading 29 books total this summer. A few ARCs popped up for review and I strayed a bit from my list at times. 

2015 Reading Challenge

Valerie has read 63 books toward her goal of 100 books.

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63 of 100 (63%)

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I'm still going to yoga about 2-3 times a week and I absolutely love how it helps me clear my head. I've always been a hater of all things exercise and have been anti-movement of any kind. Yoga helps me feel strong and centered. I wish I'd found it a long time ago.

And, of course, I'm still super into Big Brother. I'm completely Team Johnny Mac and absolutely hate almost everybody else left in the house. This season has been really fun and the cast members have been really vicious and brutal. Can Vanessa just leave already? She's such a villain and her crazy switch makes me super nervous. I miss Meg and James and Jason--all the good ones got voted out. *sigh*

Fall is going to be double awesome. I can't wait to get my basic on and start picking apples and wearing Uggs again. See you in October!

My Birthday!!!

Typically, I post about my writing goals on Monday as part of the Ready Set Write intensive, but NOT TODAY, PEEPS.

Because...

And while the vast majority of my birthdays have always been awesome, I was thinking about possibly the most traumatic birthday of all time.

That's right, Terry* and Bryan (my parents), brace yourself for the story I am about to tell the world.

THE BIRTHDAY WHERE I ALMOST DIED.

Growing up really close to Baltimore, of course my family had a boat and most weekends we were out on it fishing and swimming. Since my birthday is at the end of August (and basically isn't August like the Sundays of summer?), we went out for one last outing before school started the next week.

After we came back into the marina and docked, my mom realized half-way up the floating dock that she'd left my two-year-old brother's diaper bag in the boat. Being the birthday girl, she of course trusted me to run back and get it.

With each bounce of the dock under my feet, I'd been so proud. First, I was eleven which felt very grown up (which would wear off as soon as my doomed period would come that fall and I'd whither into an emotional mess of WHY ME. GOD, WHY ME). Plus, I'd been trusted to go back to the boat all by myself. I leaped back into the boat and grabbed the diaper bag. Now the tricky part...navigating between the considerable gap between the boat and the dock (made even wider from my awesome leap).

I tossed the diaper bag onto the dock, and wobbily balanced on the side of the boat. Even though I spied the puddle of water on the dock, I still leapt for it anyway (hey! I was eleven. No one said I had a fully formed brain).

I slipped. I fell. I splashed down in the two foot gap between the dock and the boat. When I came up, gasping for air, I reached up, but because of the low tide, my fingers couldn't grasp the edge of the dock. Barnacles covered the poles holding the dock up, and I sure as hell wasn't touching them...EVEN IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT. Because barnacles...yeeeeeew! >_<

Treading water, I tried to think of a plan. Here I was in dirty bay water wedged in a hole where no one could see me and then I remembered....THERE WERE ALSO JELLYFISH IN THIS WATER.

You guys--jellyfish. *shiver*

My sister and I always leaned off the deck and tried to poke them with sticks. I was sure they would come for me. They would seek their revenge. I was going to die.

There was only one thing to do. Humiliated, I called for help.

I tried a polite, "Help?" And when I realized no one was going to hear that, I went for the helpless scream. "HELLLLLLLP!!"

Moments later, a man ran down the dock with a pole and fished me out of the water. My mother, completely traumatized (and continues to be so whenever I tell this story--SORRY MOM, I NEEDED BLOG CONTENT!), came running with my Dad. Meanwhile, all I could do was say "THERE WERE JELLYFISH. I KNEW THERE WOULD BE JELLYFISH!" Ugh. Jellyfish.

We never went back to that marina. Not until this summer when my Dad got a new boat. In May, I stood on the dock close to where I once fell and Dad asked me if I was going to have PTSD flashbacks of that day. The funny thing is that when I was a teenager, I'd break into a cold sweat about it. It was possibly the most traumatic incident of my childhood and maybe my entire life.

I suppose the moral of the story is...sometimes you forget to let go of things and they let go for you. Or something like that.

Or, just, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

*Mom, I swear. I'm fine. It wasn't your fault and I really only like telling this story for the entertainment factor. You did nothing wrong. I'm okay. Go back to playing Words with Friends.

Pro tip for when your car goes CHUNKA-CHUNK

So it's a funny story, blog readers...

It's not everyday that you find yourself sitting on the hot concrete outside of a hillbilly mountain garage. In fact, since I'd left Jodi Meadows' house three hours before, I should've been halfway to Philadelphia.

I suppose it all started when I saw signs for CAVES! from the highway.

I mean, how do you see CAVES! and not stop? Even if those CAVES! are 20 miles up a mountain. So as I'm racing up this mountain, enjoying the crisp mountain air and scenery right out of a Maggie Stiefvater book, when I hear CHUNKA-CHUNK.

I'm no car expert, but I'm pretty sure cars shouldn't make sounds like CHUNKA-CHUNK.

But, I had arrived at the CAVES! and thought, "maybe the car will stop making that sound if I go into the CAVES!" (seriously, this sounded pretty sound at the time because CAVES!).

See?

CAVES!!

AND MORE CAVES!!

AND CAVE WATER!!

7 MILLION YEAR OLD CAVES!!!

All the while, my car was sitting in the parking lot, giving me evil glares and thinking, "Just you wait. This problem isn't going anywhere."

And it didn't. I get back in my car and now the CHUNKA-CHUNK is louder and...bumpier. So I pull off at the first gas station I can find. And by "gas station" I mean shack that has two gas pumps and sells beer. Beggars can't be choosers, guys.

Inside the "gas station," a local tells me I need to see Randy at the garage across from BO'S BELLY BARN. He tries giving me directions, but I'm all, "it's okay. I have Google Maps...so is Bo spelled B-O or B-O-E?"

For real. BO'S BELLY BARN, which is another gas station identical to the one I was standing in, except they also have chips and soda.

I turn into the garage and find this Randy guy in his no-name garage. Although, there was a sign on the door that read KEEP DOOR CLOSED SO CAT DON'T GET OUT.

Guys! Garage cat!! Eeee!


Okay so after a little explaining and hand motions and translating from my "city slicker" fast talking, Randy understands that my car is making CHUNKA-CHUNK noises. I hand over my keys and he proceeds to get in my car, turn on the engine, back out into the road, AND COMPLETELY LEAVE ME IN FRONT OF THIS NO NAME GARAGE ACROSS FROM BO'S BELLY BARN.

I panicked. Just a little.

But then realized it was my oversensitive city instincts because he came right back and pulled the car into one of the garage bays. I sat on the concrete and waited for him to tell me my car was ruined and I was going to have to stay in the mountains forever and carve a new home for myself out of a log or something.

Turns out, my wheel wasn't screwed on tightly. As in...it could have COME OFF. It was in that moment that Randy with his Duck Dynasty beard and greasy baseball cap became my hillbilly mountain savior.

"You were lucky, ma'am," he said to me.

I was, Randy. I was.

August Check In 2015

It's August, it's August! And there is so much going on.

Pitch Wars submissions open Aug 17

First, I'm super excited to be co-mentoring with Stephanie Scott in Pitch Wars. Our wish list goes live tomorrow (Monday) and we're on the prowl for a really great writer who wants TWO mentors. You can find it right here on my website (or Stephanie's).

I can give one little hint--that we're pretty much open to all genres. We really want a great STORY, regardless of if it's a contemporary, fantasy, horror, etc. I absolutely love Stephanie Scott. She's so smart and insightful and a gorgeous writer. If you're interested, keep your eyes on Brenda Drake's website for details.


It's also the Month of Birthdays in my family. My youngest brother is the first birthday, followed by our Nan, who is turning 86 mid-month. Then, end of month, I'm celebrating my own with steamed crabs with my family in Baltimore.

The ever-evolving plotting board for MS #6.

I got so much work done in July. I finished writing THE BOOK--the one that's been clinging to my ankles for the last year and three months. Honestly, I never thought I'd finish this book, and it was the hardest one I've ever had to write. The book is about 60K words, but when I went through my "cuts" folder, I had over 100K words. I went through five major revisions and it's my sixth book. I'm so proud of it, not just as a finished story but what it has to say about growing up and determining your path in life. I hope one day I'm able to share it with you.

I just turned in a 15 page outline to my agent for my next book. I love having new ideas and starting fresh. Once I get the green light, I'm excited to dive into this one and swim around in a new world.

I'm also really committed to focusing on my personal life. About a month ago, I left my day job in advertising to focus on my writing career. It was weird and scary, but ultimately I just didn't feel healthy sitting behind a desk all day and staying inside. I've been interviewing for other jobs that will get me out and moving and active again. I'm also hitting the gym a few times a week. I do cardio and take yoga classes and am starting to feel my muscles harden and my breath deepen. I feel like I'm starting to find me again after a long time of being hidden.

Nelly vs. the azalea bush.

To be honest, I had a really difficult time leaving my job. It was really hard to say, "this isn't for me. This isn't right for me." Because, honestly, it was a great job and I made great money. I worked with smart people and had worked for seven years in this industry. Why wasn't I happy?

Plus, I was worried about my dog all the time. Shannon and I got Nelly fourteen years ago. We'd only been dating for two weeks and living together for six days and we got a puppy. We were insane, but also really in love. It's hard to watch her battle coughs and aches and pains as she ages; mostly because it marks an end to our beginning. I'm really glad I get to spend more time at home with her even if I'm just doling out medicine and spotting her hips as she goes up and down stairs.

I think we have these moments where we see a fork in the road and need to decide which way to veer. For me, I wanted simplicity again. I wanted time to work on my writing, space to focus on my health, and the luxury to look around the world a little bit more. For me to be myself again.

So I'm starting this August with a clear head and ready to continue this path I started down. I hope to bring you along with me, especially as I help mentor another writer and write more stories and read more books. Have a great month!

My 2015 Resolutions

A 2014 Recap

You can't go wrong when you start your year off finding non-diseased ticker tape in Times Square. We spent the night with Kelly and Max (and Declan!) in Harlem and in the morning had our annual New Years walk to Times Square to see all the carnage.

I blogged a little about almost dying at the Strand here. 

And the year only looked better when I tagged along with Hannah and Jen to ALA Midwinter. It was in Philadelphia this year, so how could I say no? I came home with a truckload of ARCs, prompting Shannon to ask, "These were all free, right??" as he helped me unload the car.

Much thanks to Hannah and Jen who helped me learn the ropes at my first convention!

I spent a lot of time with BFF Kelly in New York. And in May she called me with the biggest surprise of all--she's pregnant with baby #2! She's due any day now so I'll be flooding everyone's feed with the most awesome baby ever.  

Fun Fact: Kelly always comes up with the best names. She helps me cast all my characters.

I also spent a lot of time with Ms. Jodi Meadows this year. I crashed on her couch twice this year, once for the Charlottesville for the Virginia Festival of the Book and again for Joy Hensley's book launch for Rites of Passage. 

I also got to tag along with her for the Frederick Book Festival in Maryland. Here she is on a panel with the adorable Julie Anne Lindsey!

And here's Jodi with Joy Hensley at the Chapter by Chapter Book Rave in New Rochelle. I was there with BFF Kelly, where we met Jay Crownover, CJ Redwine, Lee Bross, Elizabeth Eulberg and soooo many others. 

Funny Story: Kelly and I snuck in early with coffee and waters and anytime security tried to kick us out, we had all the authors say "they're with me." 

Clan MacLeod had a ton of book releases this year. In celebration, we began a tradition of posting our pictures in the book's theme in a blog hop. You can see all of mine here. If you want to see everyone's pic, all my pictures are linked to the original blog.

It wasn't all work this year. I spent a lot more time with family, which was something I was really missing. My brother got married, which brought us all together, and I'm excited to see everyone this week where I will CRUSH them with my gift-giving skills in the first annual gift Pollyanna.

I got in some beach time at Cape May with Shannon and Nelly. There's something about that beach town that feels like home to me.

I have a tendency to write while on vacation, and give some tips here.

 

I read a lot this year. I mean, a few books (*cough 127 at the date of this post*). 

Here's a few of my favorites. 

And here's a few I'm sooo excited to read in 2015.

2014 Reading Challenge

Valerie has completed her goal of reading 60 books in 2014!

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127 of 60 (100%)

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In fact, my TBR was so out of control, I had to get two new bookcases (with doors!).

And I was writing the whole time. I turned in a finished manuscript to my agent and started churning out another one. My post-it board began to fill up with ideas and plot points, and hopefully I'll be turning in something else soon.

 I got to share a little about my writing process here.

And how to use the Post-It plotting method there.

So I'm going into 2015 feeling pretty good. This was definitely a packed year of people and reading and writing, but I think I'm finally finding a healthy balance of work and fun. 

So bring it, New Year! I'm ready.

Hayley's Story

Two years ago, my best friend got sick. What started as a hospital stay for some strange symptoms became a two year battle for an answer. Hayley was diagnosed with vasculitis, a rare disease that has few treatment options and little recognition (not even when a former GhostBuster died from it earlier this year). I'll let her explain in her own words.

What do you do when your friend gets sick? With half a country between us, there wasn't a lot I could do from Philadelphia while Hayley suffered in Alabama. I couldn't rush to her side or sit in the hospital to keep her company or help her at home. I tried my best: I mailed books and presents, sent balloons, checked in as much as I could. It could never, ever be enough.

My friendship with Hayley has taught me a lot about faith. Faith that life truly won't give you more than you can handle. Faith that a simple prayer can make the biggest difference. Faith that true friends won't leave you in your time of need.

I can't do much for Hayley. I can't find a cure or alleviate any of her pain, but I can help share her story and donate to the fund set up to help her in this time of need. If you feel it in your heart, please help my friend.

Some Things I Know About Depression

You could say I'm only writing this blog post because of yesterday's tragic news about Robin Williams. You could also say that I'm going to be one of many blogging about this today.

Yesterday, I had to step away from the outpouring of advice and stories and suicide prevention help information. It felt like too much to bear. Depression has touched my life--as well as the young adult writing community--in so many ways, it feels like it's taken up its own residency. It's hard to not recognize the patterns when our favorite authors go quiet for too long on Twitter or when book releases are pushed back for personal reasons. The simple truth is I know a few things about depression.

It likes to sound simple. How many times has the word depression been used to describe disappointment? Or an upsetting incident? "Perk up, buttercup! What do you have to be depressed about?" Depression wants you to watch your friend bounce off to enjoy their life. It makes you think you should be able to do the same. If it were only that simple.

No one would every say, "You just need to get some sunshine to cure that cancer" or "That schizophrenia would be under control if you got out of bed today." Depression is a disease, not a symptom.

It doesn't discriminate. It doesn't care who you are or where you came from. How good or how bad you may have had it. What your upbringing was like or where you went to school. How successful you've been. How nice you are. How many people you have depending on you. It doesn't care who you are. It simply doesn't care.

It doesn't affect everyone the same way. Sometimes it's with you forever. Other times, it sneaks up out of nowhere. For some people, it's manageable. Recoverable. Pop a pill. Talk it out. Breathe. You're you again. For others, it seeps into their pores and coats their lungs like tar. It's not as easy to "perk up" and "be thankful" or even be questioned as to "what do you really have to be depressed about."

It likes to stay hidden in those dark places. The cracks of your mind. The depths of your soul. It whispers to you that if anyone knew, they'd judge you. You'll lose yourself. They'll treat you differently. You'll become a joke. You'll be labeled as someone with a mental illness.

Worse, it will tell you it's not a big deal. Everyone gets sad. It never explains why your soul is dead or why the sadness feels like you're being dragged down a dark tunnel. It doesn't give a timetable as to when it will feel normal again so you can read a book, listen to music, talk to a friend.

It fights you to the end. If you take that medicine, you won't be you. This will never end. I will always be here. There is no way out. Don't even try.

Of course, I can tell you it gets better. That there's help out there. But when you're in the middle of battling depression, those things don't help. For most people suffering with depression, it takes the intervention of a loved one to say, "You need to call and get help right now."

This morning, Kate Concannon, friend and blogger at Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra, asked her readers,

I beg of you to be kind today … and hell, most days.

I ask you, my readers, don't forget to be kind to yourself. If you're battling a demon, don't let it fool you into thinking you're not strong enough. Or that you're ridiculous for taking this so seriously. Or that you shouldn't need help. Don't wait too long and let that demon take hold, because you are too good to not be here.

And if you need some extra words of advice to know you're not alone:
Libra Bray, Miles and Miles of No-Man's Land
Stephanie Perkins, Where I'm At In My Head
Myra McEntire, The Shame of Depression (link is currently down)