Some Things I Know About Depression

You could say I'm only writing this blog post because of yesterday's tragic news about Robin Williams. You could also say that I'm going to be one of many blogging about this today.

Yesterday, I had to step away from the outpouring of advice and stories and suicide prevention help information. It felt like too much to bear. Depression has touched my life--as well as the young adult writing community--in so many ways, it feels like it's taken up its own residency. It's hard to not recognize the patterns when our favorite authors go quiet for too long on Twitter or when book releases are pushed back for personal reasons. The simple truth is I know a few things about depression.

It likes to sound simple. How many times has the word depression been used to describe disappointment? Or an upsetting incident? "Perk up, buttercup! What do you have to be depressed about?" Depression wants you to watch your friend bounce off to enjoy their life. It makes you think you should be able to do the same. If it were only that simple.

No one would every say, "You just need to get some sunshine to cure that cancer" or "That schizophrenia would be under control if you got out of bed today." Depression is a disease, not a symptom.

It doesn't discriminate. It doesn't care who you are or where you came from. How good or how bad you may have had it. What your upbringing was like or where you went to school. How successful you've been. How nice you are. How many people you have depending on you. It doesn't care who you are. It simply doesn't care.

It doesn't affect everyone the same way. Sometimes it's with you forever. Other times, it sneaks up out of nowhere. For some people, it's manageable. Recoverable. Pop a pill. Talk it out. Breathe. You're you again. For others, it seeps into their pores and coats their lungs like tar. It's not as easy to "perk up" and "be thankful" or even be questioned as to "what do you really have to be depressed about."

It likes to stay hidden in those dark places. The cracks of your mind. The depths of your soul. It whispers to you that if anyone knew, they'd judge you. You'll lose yourself. They'll treat you differently. You'll become a joke. You'll be labeled as someone with a mental illness.

Worse, it will tell you it's not a big deal. Everyone gets sad. It never explains why your soul is dead or why the sadness feels like you're being dragged down a dark tunnel. It doesn't give a timetable as to when it will feel normal again so you can read a book, listen to music, talk to a friend.

It fights you to the end. If you take that medicine, you won't be you. This will never end. I will always be here. There is no way out. Don't even try.

Of course, I can tell you it gets better. That there's help out there. But when you're in the middle of battling depression, those things don't help. For most people suffering with depression, it takes the intervention of a loved one to say, "You need to call and get help right now."

This morning, Kate Concannon, friend and blogger at Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra, asked her readers,

I beg of you to be kind today … and hell, most days.

I ask you, my readers, don't forget to be kind to yourself. If you're battling a demon, don't let it fool you into thinking you're not strong enough. Or that you're ridiculous for taking this so seriously. Or that you shouldn't need help. Don't wait too long and let that demon take hold, because you are too good to not be here.

And if you need some extra words of advice to know you're not alone:
Libra Bray, Miles and Miles of No-Man's Land
Stephanie Perkins, Where I'm At In My Head
Myra McEntire, The Shame of Depression (link is currently down)

For Your TBR Pile - The Five Stages of Andrew Brawley

The Five Stages of Andrew Brawley
By Shaun David Hutchinson

Published: January 20, Simon Pulse

From GoodReads: Andrew Brawley was supposed to die that night. His parents did, and so did his sister, but he survived. Now he lives in the hospital. He serves food in the cafeteria, he hangs out with the nurses, and he sleeps in a forgotten supply closet. Drew blends in to near invisibility, hiding from his past, his guilt, and those who are trying to find him.

Then one night Rusty is wheeled into the ER, burned on half his body by hateful classmates. His agony calls out to Drew like a beacon, pulling them both together through all their pain and grief. In Rusty, Drew sees hope, happiness, and a future for both of them. A future outside the hospital, and away from their pasts.

But Drew knows that life is never that simple. Death roams the hospital, searching for Drew, and now Rusty. Drew lost his family, but he refuses to lose Rusty, too, so he’s determined to make things right. He’s determined to bargain, and to settle his debts once and for all.

But Death is not easily placated, and Drew’s life will have to get worse before there is any chance for things to get better.

Thank you Simon Pulse and Edelweiss for the eARC!

My Thoughts:

There's something really temporary about hospitals. The entire time you are there, you're waiting: to be seen, to be healed, to find out what comes next. For Andrew Brawley, he's waiting to die because he cheated death once. Now, with nowhere to go and no one to go to, he makes a his own temporary home inside the hospital befriending the staff and patients.

To cover his tracks and to explain to anyone who questions why he's there so much, he works under the table in the cafeteria and visits his grandmother who is in a coma. But death (aka the social worker) is still looking for him, waiting for him to slip up.

I was completely captivated by Andrew's story. The premise is brilliant, and had me questioning how Hutchinson was going to pull this off in the end. How could a boy slip through the cracks and go entirely unnoticed in a hospital with so many people bustling around?

But what I loved the most about this book was while Andrew's stuck in his purgatory, he's not living his life. When you're waiting, you're not falling in love or having adventures or seeing or experiencing new things. Slowly, he experiences these things through his make-shift hospital family: the ER doctors who keep him updated on the patients, his boss in the cafeteria who is grieving the loss of a son, and friendships with the teenagers in the pediatrics unit.

This was a brilliant story, full of heart and enough suspense to keep you guessing until the very end. I highly recommend this one to readers of David Levithan.

What's Up Wednesday - 8.5.14

What's Up Wednesday is a weekly meme geared toward readers and writers, allowing us to touch base with blog friends and let them know what's up.

You can participate by going to Jaime's blog here. Or Erin's blog there.

What I'm Reading

I'm so behind in my reading, but I got caught up in this really awesome ARC from Simon & Schuster. The Five Stages of Andrew Brawley was so good. It's not released until 2015 but you can request from Edelweiss. I was completely swept away when I found out this was about a boy who hid out and lived at a hospital after his parents and sister were killed. He's constantly dodging the social worker (who he calls Death), but more importantly he floats into all of these peoples' lives. I just loved the entire concept.

What I'm Writing

A lot. I'm settling into a new project and having a lot of fun. Rather than set word count goals (which stresses me out), I've decided to make the goals less numerical. So instead, my goals are to write a specific scene or finish a chapter or think out the dialogue for that part. It's working well and I've found that I'm less worried about hitting a target or racing to the finish. After years of being stressed out, I'm enjoying writing again.

What Inspires Me

Have you ever categorized the stories you've written? Last week, I posted this blog about The Types of Stories I've Written, and I've been thinking about it ever since. It seems like there's always That One that felt like it would never be right or The One that made writing seem so easy.

I'd say right now I'm writing The One I Swore I'd Never Write--which is loosely based on my own childhood. Which One are you writing now?

What Else I've Been Up To

Ever since we moved into this house seven years ago, I've had this really ugly orange carpet. It was always in the plan to switch it out to something neutral--especially when I insisted on having pink walls. I mean, really? Could I write stories in any other room that was not pink?

So for the longest time, I had this really bad mismatched room. BUT NOT ANYMORE!

LOOK! (Yeah, that's a faerie statue in the corner. Don't hate. haha.)

And that meant that all of these books needed to go back on the shelf, so I finally made a rainbow shelf. I have no idea where anything is anymore and am rethinking that I might go in and tighten up the gradients, but I LOVE it.

See ya next week!

Agents Like Us - Susan Hawk

Susan Hawk is here to share all her agenting secrets and slushpile wishes!

She exclusively handles books for children: picture books, chapter books, middle grade and YA, fiction and non-fiction. You can read more about her here, see her submission guidelines there, and see her wishlist here. And you can always follow her on Twitter @SusanHawk. Her answers are below in bold. 

Susan on Agenting

• When writers query me, I really wish … that their own reading in children’s books was more evident. You can really tell when someone has done their homework, and understands the category that they’ve chosen to write in. 

• My favorite part about being an agent is ... calling a client to say that we have an offer is obviously a favorite, but the other day one of my clients got her first piece of kid fan mail. She was so happy, and there’s nothing like knowing that the book, which I love dearly, made an impact on a kid reader.

• Rules and trends aside, what I really look for in a story is ... characters that feel real, complicated and compelling; a voice that is the unique expression of this writer; layered story and plot that grab attention; and heart. I want to be moved by your characters and story.

• Whenever I make a book deal, I ... call the author to mutually jump around and cheer! There is a deep satisfaction in matching my client and a book I love with just the right editor and house. After the call, I’ll wear a big happy grin all day.

• I really wish I saw more story ideas and writing that surprise me! in the slush. 

Susan On Clients

• My ideal client would be ... an outstanding writer who appreciates that writing is an art, and publishing a business, and wants to balance both. Someone grateful, willing to work hard to build their career; a good communicator with a wicked sense of humor. 

• What I love most about my current clientele is ... in addition to the above, how much heart they have, how much they love writing, and how widely varied their work is. 

• What I want most for any client is ... for her work to find its readership, and for that readership to grow over time as their books and career do.

Susan On Life

• If I weren't an agent, I'd probably be ... a librarian! In fact, I was a librarian previously. Bookseller also comes to mind. Is there such a thing as a professional list maker? Because I’d be very good at that.

• My favorite (non-client) book is ... TO CAPTURE THE CASTLE. Smokes, do I love that book. 

• Secretly, I'm terrified of ... driving across bridges! I didn’t really learn to drive until I was 41 years old and always wonder if it would be different if I’d learned earlier.

• My secret boyfriend is ... Paul Rudd. Oh Paul, you make me laugh, you do! 

• I have a total girlcrush on ... Emma Thompson. Because of all of these moments. 

• Sometimes, when no one is around, I ... sing! I love singing, and pretty much can’t hold back, when someone’s around, not around, anytime. 

• My favorite drink is ... vino verde! Slice a juicy peach to go into that glass of slightly fizzy wine, and sit in the backyard to sip it!

Want to see more Agent Interviews? Check them all out here.

For Your TBR Pile - Glory O'Brien's History of the Future

Glory O'Brien's History of the Future
By A.S. King

Published: October 14, Little, Brown

From GoodReads: Graduating from high school is a time of limitless possibilities—but not for Glory, who has no plan for what's next. Her mother committed suicide when Glory was only four years old, and she’s never stopped wondering if she will eventually go the same way...until a transformative night when she begins to experience an astonishing new power to see a person’s infinite past and future. From ancient ancestors to many generations forward, Glory is bombarded with visions—and what she sees ahead of her is terrifying.

A tyrannical new leader raises an army. Women’s rights disappear. A violent second civil war breaks out. And young girls vanish daily, sold off or interned in camps. Glory makes it her mission to record everything she sees, hoping her notes will somehow make a difference. She may not see a future for herself, but she’ll do everything in her power to make sure this one doesn’t come to pass.

My Thoughts:

There are two things about A.S. King's writing that I absolutely love: her creativity and her choice of characters.

A.S. King is known for disregarding all the rules when it comes to writing. She breaks them and breaks them well. Her stories have always been inspirational to me because she finds ways to break into all my secret thoughts I didn't think anyone else would understand--about growing up, femininity, family, and the unfairness of life. Her characters are always underdogs, the kids we might overlook because they don't fit the mold of what we think a teen should look or sound like.

In many ways, Glory O'Brien's History of the Future felt like two different stories: one of Glory's path from teen to adult and one of the History of the Future. Preferably, I was most interested in Glory.

Glory's view of the world has always been different. After her mother committed suicide and her father gave up his painting to become a lump on the couch, Glory grew up on microwaved meals and kept femininity an arm's length away. A.S. King explored how a girl grows up motherless to explore her self awareness and sexuality.

There were some gorgeous lines about why girls care so much about clothes and shoes and mascara and hair products and sex--and why Glory does not. Also, "I am tortured by belly fat and magazine covers and how to please everyone but myself" struck a particular and familiar chord with me.

The best part about this book was when Glory and her best friend Ellie drink the bat. Yep. Drank a bat. A liquified bat from a jar...which prompted this deal between Jodi Meadows, Joy Hensley and me--so thanks, A.S. King!

What's Up Wednesday - 7.30.14

What's Up Wednesday is a weekly meme geared toward readers and writers, allowing us to touch base with blog friends and let them know what's up.

You can participate by going to Jaime's blog here. Or Erin's blog there.

What I'm Reading

Oh my gosh! I came home to this awesomeness sitting on my stoop! I am so excited for Kiss, Kill, Vanish--especially because I remember reading Jessica Martinez tweeting about how much she loved writing it. That's the coolest part about the publishing process is being around to see projects grow into sales and ARCs and actual books we see on the shelf at B&N.

I also have Rainbow Rowell's Landline on deck.

What I'm Writing

Right now...not a lot. I had so much going on this week, I gave myself a break, but I'm ready to dive back in and get my daily word counts in. I think I have >3K right now and am hoping to make that 5K this weekend. It's so hard writing in the summer because every weekend is filled with get-togethers and cook outs and SO MANY THINGS. I always write best in the dead of winter, so I know if I wait it out, the pace will pick back up.

What Inspires Me

I might catch some eye rolls from this one, but I DO NOT CARE. I am absolutely addicted to the Kim Kardashian Game. It's SO much fun, and reminds me a lot of how obsessed I was with playing The Sims back in the day. Really, though. Look at that A List status! I'm such a baller. :)

What Else I've Been Up To

Our friends Stef and Dave were married this weekend so we flew out to Dayton, Ohio. BFF Kelly's husband and Shannon were the groomsmen and the reception was in this gorgeous theater building in downtown Dayton. A big, public congrats to Stef and Dave! Thanks so much for letting us share in your special day (and eat shrimp on a chip at your reception!).

Have an awesome week!

The Types of Stories We Tell

I've been thinking a lot about stories. Like most hope-to-be-published writers, I've piled up a lot of manuscripts. Flipping through my files, I realized each one is different. Each one taught me something new. And, being the obsessive, analytical person I am, I started categorizing them.

There's The One I Wrote First.
Ah, my first toe dip into the freezing pool of writing! Admittedly, I had no idea what I was doing, but I had a dream and I put my fingers to the keyboard and wrote it down! I refused to show it to anyone. Then I queried it and got a whole lotta form rejections. I got upset. I threw it aside. I moved on. Either way, it was special because it was my first.

The One I First Felt The Rush.
I once affectionately called this the writing equivalent of "chasing the dragon." I didn't sleep. I didn't eat. All my friends were mad at me. The house was dirty. I didn't do laundry for two weeks. And I couldn't care less because I was writing and I was on FIRE!

The One I Didn't Feel The Rush.
Why don't I have that same feeling? Remember when I wrote that last one and the characters felt familiar? The dialogue flowed out fresh? What's wrong with this one? Was that other one a fluke? Have they all been a fluke? Was writing always this hard??

The One That's In Pieces.
And, most likely, will always be in pieces. The characters aren't fleshed out. The story makes no sense. No matter how much time I put into it, it just doesn't seem to come together. I wonder if I should scrap it. I wait for that moment of clarity where it all makes sense and I find the most perfect piece to fill those gaping potholes. Any day now...it will make sense.

The One That Was Awful (aka The Pancake Story). 
After I snagged my agent, I had trouble writing the next book. I wanted to write, but I was creatively exhausted. Instead of taking a break, I wrote anyway. It was awful. I look back on it now and relate it to throwing that first pancake in the skillet. I knew it was going to be messed up, but I cooked it anyway so I could move on and cook up the rest of the batch.

The One That Was Just For Fun.
I used to think every single story had to be so incredibly meaningful. Then I wrote a story just for fun. To make my CP laugh. To keep my agent turning the pages. I smirked the entire time I wrote it, biting my lip while my characters said ridiculous things and twisted the story around.

Let me know what categories your stories fall in! And no matter what...when in doubt, remember: